As I opened up one of my “Christmas Gifts” from wife #2 this year, I chuckled and smiled. Ya see…wife #1 and I never obeyed these laws stitched into this homemade reminder that looks straight out of a nursing home. We were rebels…or…we were just weird about it. I was with my ex for around 11 years and we never once, beefed in front of each other. At least not on purpose. I remember a time or two where one of us would squeak out a mistake as the other chose to just ignore it. What a pair of dickholes. Walking out of a room or sitting uncomfortably as a belly full of fart cloud is waiting to be birthed into this shit world…just to be held in out of…hell….I don’t even know!!! Which is why I am glad that with good ol’ wife #2, suffering through that until I ruin it and find wife #3, was never even an option.
Ya see…it all started early on in our relationship. I had gone over to wife #2’s house where I was to spend the evening. As we were lying in bed one night, she was dozing off as I was reading on my phone. She was snoring ever so loudly. One of those heavy snores that travels through walls. Ya ever startle yourself awake from your own snore?!? Well, that’s what she did. In a panic, she groggily woke up after a loud snore and a choke. She was all blinky eyed and confused. I wasn’t even sure she was fully awake as she could sleep through the fuckin apocalypse. As I stared at her with a slight shit eating grin…her back at me with complete confusion, and then she whispered to me, “Did I fart?”.
I don’t know why but I found this to be the funniest thing on the planet. I laughed so hard and was wiping tears. One of those hearty nearly unstoppable laughs that even when you do finally manage to stop…the shit starts right back up again. She was mortified. She didn’t fart…at least that time, but she was so red in the face. She still gets embarrassed when I tell this story at parties and get togethers. My buddy Ray *loves* this story and has me retell it every so often as to make wife #2 uncomfortable.
Literally a week or two after Fartgate 2012, we are lying in her bed again after a long hot sweaty summer night of passionate movie watching, when all of a sudden she hops up on top of me. Oh, we are both butt ass naked by the way which I am not just saying to be creepy and to gross you out but because it does play a role in this tale. As her pale bare ass sits atop my disgraceful dad bod belly, she let out a thunderous ass roar that would make Fat Bastard proud. I sat there frozen in disbelief and wasn’t 100% sure how to react.
For that moment, she seemed both proud of herself and mortified. After a few seconds which seemed like 300 years, we both started laughing. I remember saying “ok, it’s on” and just like that…it was just a given that we would not be holding back in the butt tootin department.
In the years since, wife #2 has shown that she not only feels comfortable ass trumpeting in front of me and the kids, but in front of close family and friends. Case in point. This summer we held a big bbq at our house for her birthday. Tons of friends and family were in attendance. Unluckily for them, some were introduced to the real @reeseshara (wife #2). I remember being outside playing one of my favorite white trash backyard games in Frisbang, when my buddy Bill rushes outside for air that didn’t smell like fresh raw sewage. He then proceeded to tell me that wife #2, grabbed my sister Sarah, held her as she backed her turd cutter onto her stomach and just blasted her with a lengthy alcohol filled poot. I was not there to see and experience firsthand, but I heard it was the thing of legend.
Bill was not only in shock but in some sort of internal crisis as well. Ya see…Bill and his girlfriend Christina both choose to live the life that wife #1 and I lived. A life free of fart. Where the air is clear and crisp…but the smiles just aren’t there. We are all super close and have had lengthy discussions about this several times now and they both want a fart free partner. I have advised against it. Told them to embrace the beef, but they are stubborn and won’t listen. Best of luck to them…
Another fun one she loves to do to the kids is fart…or as she calls it…fluff, then ask the kids “Do you guys smell that? It smells like popcorn.”. Then the kids run over to investigate, just to get nostrils full of her thunder from down under. She laughs as this has worked on them each numerous times. I guess our kids are really stupid. I dunno…
She also suffers from the occasional, unplanned tush tickler. She’s a big fan of letting one out during the ol’ sneeze…or cough…or laugh…or run. Those always receive a chuckle from me as she seems just as shocked as I am. I got a gem folks…I know. That’s not to say I do not retaliate at all…but I’ll let her write about that. Maybe this will be some motivation for payback which will get her active here if she can find time in between squeekin em out on the reg.
Either way, it all circles back to my Christmas Gift I received from her that states “The couple that farts together, stays together”. I hope that’s true as wife #2 is a ton of fun and I don’t want to have to smell a new wife’s farts. She cross stitched this and it now proudly hangs above the bed to remind us of this fact. She’s also going to kill me for writing this on the chain sooooooo…wife #3…here I come!!!
Thanks for nominating me for @comedyopenmic, @llfarms. While not as gross as my shittyfingers story which I know you loved, this one still deals with assholes so I hope you enjoyed. I hereby nominate @paintingangels as she is pretty damn funny and the awesome @donallogue as he is full of funny stories to tell…I am sure of it. Hope he gets a chance to see this!